I’ve been resisting the urge to write for a while now. I keep finding something else to do, some excuse like the kids, or the new home, or the dog… anything but sitting down and writing. It’s not like I was coming up with a blank or did not have things to write about. I had lots. I took a once in a lifetime road trip cross-country from NJ to CA with my husband and my 14-year-old dog Ralphie. I saw the ocean in San Diego for the first time coming over a hill… it took my breath away. I made a trip by myself to Australia, that beautiful continent on the other side of the world. Met friends and relations I had not seen in about 20 years. And this is just to name a few of the many wonderful things that happened to me. Things I could share. So what stopped me from writing about them?
I did not even look at the many manuscripts that I was working on and dismissed so many more ideas that came to my mind. WHY? I ignored the messages in my inbox telling me about the SCBWI conference in NYC, a pilgrimage I made two years in a row to worship at the shrine of creativity. Ignoring a chance to breathe in and renew my spirit. I deliberately pushed that part of me away.
The year is coming to an end and I sit here thinking about what my life is going to be like next year. I never used to do this, but I guess growing older and more importantly being married to a planner and spreadsheet keeper for 20 years and being constantly asked, “What are you going to do, what’s the next step?” did not help, haha. So I ask myself “What are you going to do, Andrea?” “Are you going to write?”
I work part time, I am a full time mom to a 4 and 8 year old and I’m a wannabe writer. Funny thing is that all these are almost full time jobs and there is one of me. I know people juggle careers and home life all the time. But I’m this annoying type A person who has to do everything perfectly or not at all. I have a bunch of half started, nearly completed projects and I won’t call them finished because they are not perfect! And yes, I know you can say there are many just like me who still do it all. But I’m me and I need to figure out how I can have my cake and eat it too. A perfectly perfect cake! Let me think; strawberry shortcake with just the lightest whipped cream frosting and cut strawberries on top. But I digress…
Can I really distance myself from something that gives me such a sense of self? Can I just devote myself to my watching my babies grow up, and doing other things? Is this going to be my last post for a while? Will you wait for me?
Till you hear from me again… be well and I send you the warmest wishes for a wonderful holiday and most awesome, satisfying, happiest of New Years!!
I think I’ll go make that cake now.